Campaign Updates


ALF DELIVERS MOVING CONCESSION SPEECH

November 9 , 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

In the wee hours of the morning, when it became clear that Donald Trump had secured the necessary electoral votes to be the next president-elect of the United States of America, Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway walked onto the stage to deliver his concession speech to a very emotional audience.  Following are some excerpts of his speech:

"I have just called Donald Trump to congratulate him on his victory.  He just said 'ALF who?' and promptly hung up!  How rude!  But no hard feelings.  I wish him the best and hope he will do what is best for our country and for our planet.  Our world, which is both your native planet and the planet I've come to call home, has many troubles.  I hope we can all work together as one to bring peace and harmony to all people.  After all, it's the only planet we've got, so we need to take care of it, alright?  I really don't want to have to go find a new planet to live on... again."

The opening paragraph represents the emotional height of ALF's speech, he then went on to suggest that in the American spirit, everyone should bake apple pies and leave them on their back porches without questioning why they continually disappear.  He then went on for about 15 minutes about how he hopes parachute pants will go back in style and that breakdancing will become popular again.

Finally, after thanking his campaign staff, ALF concluded with this:

"America, I'm sorry I won't be your next president.  I know you were looking forward to seeing the crazy antics an old TV star with orange-ish hair would get into in the Oval Office, but.... oh, wait a minute."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF BEATS TRUMP IN THIRD DEBATE

October 23 , 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The results of the scientific studies are in: ALF has bested Republican candidate Donald Trump in the third presidential debate.  Hillary Clinton was credited with her third victory, effectively sweeping the presidential debates, but ALF has unexpectedly come in second, beating out Donald Trump.

"I was pretty put out with the debate committee for not inviting me to the debate," said ALF, "Well, I guess strictly speaking, I was invited to sit in the audience, sort of as a consolation prize, but I turned them down."

As it turns out, by not showing up to the debate, ALF's performance was unanimously rated higher by scientific analyses of the debate.

"As was clear to see," says scientific debate analyst Dr. Ronald Hofstetter, "Donald Trump simply continued to dig a deeper and deeper hole in the third debate, making his final score a negative integer.  By contrast, ALF, who began the debate, effectively, with a score of zero, by not making an appearance at the debate, maintained a score of zero, several points higher than Republican candidate Donald Trump."

In fact, Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway has made U.S. history in being the first person to score ahead of a major political party nominee in a presidential debate without actually attending the debate, a fact that infuriates Republican candidate Donald Trump.

"It's rigged!," says Donald Trump, "This whole debate process has been rigged, let me tell you.  I'll bet this nasty Melmacian is even responsible for me being robbed of my Emmys for 'The Apprentice.'  He's been accused of rigging the ratings before, making that 'Polka Jamboree' shoot to number one.  I don't know of any way to do that without alien technology.  Hillary would probably just blame the Russians for hacking into it.  Who knows?  Maybe.  I certainly wouldn't know.  Putin's not my buddy or anything, just because we play 'Clash of Clans' together on the iPhone.  I'm winning, by the way... bigly.  But let me tell you, this ALF loser, he shows just the sort of problem illegal immigration can cause.  This off-world ape needs to keep his big nose out of American politics, let me tell you, or I'm going to sue."

ALF shrugged off Trump's allegations of rigging the TV ratings, but did respond by saying, "Big nose?  Is that a crack?  You know, I never won an Emmy either, but you don't see me whining about it!"

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF TALKS OF ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFETS IN LEAKED AUDIO

October 12 , 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

ALF's campaign is facing a major catastrophe after an audio recording of a conversation between ALF and ET from 1987 has surfaced, shortly after ALF became a household name with his eponymous TV show.

Minutes before both ALF and ET were preparing for a joint interview on the national radio program, Aliens in L.A., the microphone inadvertently captured a personal conversation between the two famous aliens.

"Yeah, so the best thing about being famous," ALF said, "You can basically just eat as much as you want at the Golden Corral buffet and no one's going to give you a hard time about it."

ET seemed to be at a loss as to how to respond to ALF's comment and simply mumbled something about phoning home.

ALF's campaign, which had been maintaining that ALF's gluttony was just made up as a recurring joke for the TV program, are now scrambling to explain this latest bombshell.

The Demo-cat campaign office released this statement in response: "We regret ALF's indiscretion in the 1987 audio that has recently surfaced.  Please be advised that ALF, who is of Melmacian origin, has eight stomachs and therefore eats a larger quantity of food than the average human.  Furthermore, Golden Corral's buffet is an all-you-can-eat buffet, so ALF was in no way overstepping his bounds by having 23 steaks, 102 buttered rolls, a small side salad, and 12 refills of Diet Coke."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF UNDER FIRE FOR DIVIDING SCI-FI FANS INTO "BASKETS"

September 13, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent


During a campaign speech at a Sci-Fi-Con convention in Madison, Wisconsin on Tuesday morning, ALF stirred up controversy when he divided sci-fi fans into "baskets."

"You can really divide sci-fi fans into two big baskets," said ALF, "There's the basket of Star Trek supporters and the basket of Star Wars supporters.  Basically, you have the one basket for highly intelligent people like myself, and the deplorable one for those that simply like a lot of action and explosions and such.  I'll leave it to you to figure out which basket is which."

Star Wars super-fan Gordon Bryant was livid, assuming as many did that ALF was implying Star Wars fans were less intelligent.

"It has nothing to do with intelligence," argued Bryant, "I'm plenty smart enough to understand Star Trek, it's just that I find it boring!  If Star Trek fans have such a superiority complex, why are all of the Abrams movies full of action and explosions?  Maybe the Abramsverse is finally getting it right!"

ALF's Vice Presidential running mate, Carrie Fisher, also weighed in on the issue, "Obviously, I have a vested interest, but I would say that both Star Trek and Star Wars fans are fine with me.  If I were to pick out a basket of deplorables, it would be the folks that consider Jar Jar Binks to be a valid character in the franchise.  Seriously, I don't know what George [Lucas] was thinking with that one."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF ANNOUNCES CARRIE FISHER AS RUNNING MATE

August 22, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

ALF's campaign has been struggling ever since his first two V.P. picks, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, turned down the nomination a few weeks ago.  However, ALF's campaign has found new momentum as it announced that Carrie Fisher has accepted the nomination to be ALF's running mate.

Carrie Fisher is best known for her iconic role a Princess Leia from the Star Wars franchise, most recently reprising her role in Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.  Although her on-screen character was both a member of the Imperial Senate and a General in the Rebel Alliance, Fisher herself has never been highly involved in politics, leading others to speculate as to why she so willingly accepted the nomination.

"I have great respect for ALF," says Fisher, "You don't see many TV stars his age that haven't had a lot of plastic surgery done to hide their old age.  In fact, even in his heyday, he resisted the Hollywood pressure to get a nose job."

ALF is excited about the partnership and the much-needed bump it has given his polling figures.

"Before Fisher accepted the nomination," said ALF, "I wasn't even appearing on the polls.  Now, I'm in single digits... I mean digit!"

With the still meager figures, many wonder if Fisher is ALF's only hope, but to this question Fisher simply replied, "No, there is another."

________________________________________________________________________________

BEAUTIFUL "TACO TRUCKS" VISION OF AMERICA BRINGS TEAR TO ALF'S EYE

September 8, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Marco Gutierrez, founder of the group Latinos for Trump recently warned in an interview, “My culture is a very dominant culture, and it’s imposing and it’s causing problems. If you don’t do something about it, you’re going to have taco trucks on every corner.”

However, this statement did not have the expected impact on Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway, who needed a moment alone to wipe a tear from his eye.

"What a beautiful vision for America!" said ALF, "A nation where people have access to taco trucks regardless of age, race, religion, or color."

Gutierrez was somewhat perturbed to hear of ALF's response and said that he felt Mr. Shumway was completely missing the point.

"Missing the point?" ALF said in response, "I think Mr. Gutierrez is missing the point.  Taco trucks are something that Americans want.  Some hot tamale vendors wouldn't hurt either."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF ANNOUNCES CARRIE FISHER AS RUNNING MATE

August 22, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

ALF's campaign has been struggling ever since his first two V.P. picks, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, turned down the nomination a few weeks ago.  However, ALF's campaign has found new momentum as it announced that Carrie Fisher has accepted the nomination to be ALF's running mate.

Carrie Fisher is best known for her iconic role a Princess Leia from the Star Wars franchise, most recently reprising her role in Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.  Although her on-screen character was both a member of the Imperial Senate and a General in the Rebel Alliance, Fisher herself has never been highly involved in politics, leading others to speculate as to why she so willingly accepted the nomination.

"I have great respect for ALF," says Fisher, "You don't see many TV stars his age that haven't had a lot of plastic surgery done to hide their old age.  In fact, even in his heyday, he resisted the Hollywood pressure to get a nose job."

ALF is excited about the partnership and the much-needed bump it has given his polling figures.

"Before Fisher accepted the nomination," said ALF, "I wasn't even appearing on the polls.  Now, I'm in single digits... I mean digit!"

With the still meager figures, many wonder if Fisher is ALF's only hope, but to this question Fisher simply replied, "No, there is another."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF LANDS SPACESHIP ON TRUMP TOWER

August 14 , 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Bystanders were panic-stricken when a UFO was spotted in the vicinity of Trump Tower in New York City this morning.  Witnesses describe the UFO as a saucer shaped vessel that first approached the tower at blinding speed and then slowly hovered towards the building, where a small furry creature disembarked and entered the building.

The NYPD and the Federal Aviation Administration were dispatched immediately to investigate, and it was quickly confirmed that it was Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway who was responsible for the disturbance.  However, regardless of the NYPD's and FAA's swift response, Shumway had already left the scene before their arrival.

ALF and Trump are rivals in the upcoming Presidential election, leading some to believe that ALF's disturbance today was intended as a political statement.
 
ALF released the following statement in regards to the incident:

"No, I wasn't trying to make a political statement or anything, it's just that I recently bumped into Trump by chance at a nice upscale restaurant in Philadelphia.  I had ordered a lobster plate and was quietly dining when the Donald walked up to my table.  He went on and on saying, 'You want to know where you can get a good lobster?  The Trump Grill in Trump Tower has an excellent New England lobster roll... the best!  That's because I have the best lobster hunters.  No lobster hunters in the business can trap lobsters like these guys..." and on and on and on.  Anyway, he caught my attention, so I said that next time I flew to NYC, I'd drop by.  In retrospect, he probably expected that I would be flying in to an airport..."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF CLOSING IN ON VP PICK, X-FILES CAST MEMBERS CONSIDERED

July 25, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

There has been considerable speculation on who ALF will choose as a running mate in this presidential election, and candidates ranging from Zachary Quinto ("Spock" from the three most recent Star Trek films) to Jeff Goldblum (Independence Day) have been suggested, but we have recently received a report that ALF is currently eyeing one of two people as the likely pick, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

Duchovny and Anderson play the roles of FBI special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, respectively, in the highly-accalimed TV show The X-Files.  The show ran from 1993-2002 and was renewed for a 10th season in 2016.  In it, agents Mulder and Scully investigate unsolved cases that general involve paranormal phenomena, which sometimes includes alien encounters.

Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway was, however, dismayed to find out that it is unlikely that either of the pair would be willing to run at this time.
 
Gillian Anderson went on the record as saying, "As flattered as I am to be considered, I don't really believe ALF exists.  If one considers ALF objectively, the most plausible conclusion would be that he is either a sophisticated puppet or a small man wearing a furry alien costume."

"How offensive," replied ALF at hearing Anderson's statement, "That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.  I can't believe she would accuse me of being a puppet.  No one has ever accused me of being a puppet before."

David Duchovny declined for different reasons, however.  "My acting career is still in full swing," said Duchovny, "I would be honored to be ALF's running mate, but I simply can't put my career on hold right now, but I don't want ALF to worry too much.  After all, the right vice presidential candidate is out there..."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING CAMPAIGN SPEECH

July 20, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Last night during a campaign speech in Des Moines, Iowa, ALF delivered a speech that was full of what some consider to be blatant plagiarism of previous presidential speeches.

Political analyst Richard Boone, weighs in on the alleged plagiarism, stating, "I first became suspicious when the speech began 'four score and seven years ago,' but I really became leery when he mentioned having been a rail splitter before becoming a prairie lawyer in Springfield, Illinois."

Following the speech, social media exploded with comparisons of ALF's speech to previous speeches, including the Gettysburg Address, Washington's Farewell Address, and FDR's first inaugural address.

"I felt a continual sense of deja vu during the speech, as if the Galactic Ambassador simply did a Google search for presidential speeches and pieced them together" says Boone, "but I became completely sure of the plagiarism when he promised the American people 'millions of peaches, peaches for free.'"

In fact, the "millions of peaches" excerpt is not even from a presidential speech, but is the chorus from the 1996 hit song "Peaches" sung by the alternative rock band The Presidents of the United States of America.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF UNDER FIRE FOR PRAISING SADDAM HUSSEIN'S MUSTACHE

July 10, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Presidential candidate Gordon "ALF" Shumway is under fire for making unpopular comments in praise of former Iraq president, Saddam Hussein.

"Melmacians can't grow mustaches," said ALF in a campaign town hall meeting in Missouri, "but if we could, I would grow one like Saddam Hussein's.  Obviously he was a terrible person, with all the atrocities, but you have to admit his facial hair was well-kempt."

There was an immediate backlash, as many were hesitant to find anything praiseworthy about Saddam Hussein, who was executed in 2006 for crimes against humanity.

"It's appalling that ALF would praise any part of Hussein's legacy," said Hillary Clinton of the remark, "I can't grow a mustache either, but if I could I wouldn't want it to be in anyway connected to that maniacal dictator.  The fact that ALF is comfortable with this idea, is very disturbing indeed."

Donald Trump is under fire himself for praising Hussein's policy on terrorism, but he still offered this statement about mustaches: "You want to know who had a great mustache?  I'll tell you who had a great mustache - Rollie Fingers - greatest major league relief pitcher of all time.  Who wore a handlebar mustache better than him?  No one, that's who.  Fingers was almost the perfect human being, if it weren't for one major problem - he never played for the New York Yankees."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF OPEN TO MAKING ENGLAND 51st STATE

July 3, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent


Following the highly controversial referendum in which the UK decided to leave the European Union, Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway says that if he is elected president, he would welcome England with open arms to be the 51st U.S. state.

"Having personally viewed the entire collected works of Monty Python," said ALF in a press conference this morning, "I find the citizens of England to be wonderful human beings, and would gladly make them citizens of the USA. I think the blending of our cultures would be mutually beneficial - I've always wanted to try figgy pudding, whatever the heck that is..."

Some English citizens are not so enthusiastic about ALF's open-armed welcome - among them, Monty Python's John Cleese.

"Who does this little extraterrestrial man think he is?" asked John Cleese, "If he thinks England is ready to just abandon its sovereignty and bow down to the whims of a country that thinks '2 Broke Girls' is quality television, then he's got another thing coming. I'd be more likely to bow to the whims of a Bemaraha woolly lemur - they're gentler and better-looking than this ALF chap, and frankly, much more intelligent."

ALF has not let the naysayers deter his enthusiasm, however.  He has already purchased a bowler hat and monocle and is learning to play darts.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF SHOWS EMBARRASSING FUNDRAISING FIGURES, LAUNCHES ALF UNIVERSITY

June 26, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Nearing the end of June, candidate Gordon "ALF" Shumway's campaign is reporting embarrassingly meager campaign funds.  Donald Trump's campaign has recently been criticized for its lack of fundraising efforts, but by comparison, ALF's campaign is in far worse shape.

It was not, however, for lack of serious fundraising efforts that ALF's campaign is struggling financially but rather in a methodological flaw.  It seems that ALF has been petitioning donors for foam, lint, and wax.

"I forgot that Earth was not on the foam standard," said ALF in a press conference this morning.  "On Melmac, foam, lint, and wax were very valuable.  Gold and platinum were worth next to nothing.  They were usually used for plumbing and to make those little disposable trays and boxes at fast food restaurants."

The Democratic and Republican parties have all but dismissed ALF as a serious candidate in this election, but there may still be some hope for the Galactic Ambassador.

"I have a plan to raise the funds to keep the campaign going," said ALF, "Early July will mark the grand opening of ALF University, which guarantees its students will be able to harness great cosmic powers."

ALF's opponents have already criticized ALF University, alleging that the endeavor is inherently fraudulent.  ALF's lawyers were quick to point out that the terms and conditions define "great cosmic powers" as "being able to watch ten hours of TV without getting up to go to the bathroom."

________________________________________________________________________________

SCANDAL: FBI INVESTIGATES ALF FOR DELETING E-MAILS FROM GOVERNMENT SERVER

June 19, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway is under investigation for allegedly deleting thousands of e-mails from the server that handles his official government e-mail account.

Regarding the incident, Shumway said, "I admit it.  It's true.  I deleted thousands of e-mails, but all of them were confirmation e-mails for online pizza delivery orders.  My personal dietician is worried that if I don't lose some weight that I'm running the risk of implosion.  I was ashamed of eating so much and was trying to get rid of the evidence."

In light of this confession, the FBI is expected to drop the issue, since online pizza orders are not considered classified communications.

Hillary Clinton has already released a followup statement, saying, "See?  That's all I was doing, too!  When I get peckish, sometimes I order one of those pizza pie things that the common folk (of which I am one, by the way) enjoy so very much!"

Donald Trump dismissed the pizza related e-mails, saying "You want to know about pizza?  Trump Tower serves a great pizza, the best!  But I'm not interested in talking about pizza, I just want to know if any of those emails had unkind words about me.  If so, I'm going to sue and I'm going to win bigly - lots and lots of money."

Bernie Sanders seemed supremely disinterested in the pizza talk, stating simply, "ALF, the American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn pizza orders!"

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF: A CINDERELLA STORY IN THE MAKING?

June 14, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Political commentators have speculated that Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway's rather late entry into the presidential race could be a Cinderella story in the making.  Many have speculated as to why Shumway has waited so long to enter during such a tense presidential race.

"At first, I was confused," said Ambassador Shumway, "When I saw Donald Trump in the debates on TV, I assumed this was all some sort of elaborate new reality show.  When I finally realized that this was the actual election, I knew somebody needed to do something.  And hey, who better than me?"

Regarding Trump's promise to build an asteroid field between Earth and Melmac and making Melmac pay for it, Shumway responded, "Well, actually, Melmac is an asteroid field now.  It blew up in a nuclear explosion.  I'm running for president to keep that from happening to earth, too."

When asked if his late entry into the race could be the beginning of a Cinderella story, Shumway simply responded, "Could be, but I like to think of it more as a Brave ALF and the Giant Cockroach sort of story.

________________________________________________________________________________

FEEL THE BURNT SIENNA

June 6, 2016
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Ladies and gentlemen, during a tense election year, a dark horse may have just entered the race.  After an unsuccessful 2012 presidential bid with Sigourney Weaver, Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway has decided to give it another go.

We have little information to report at this point, as the Demo-Cat campaign offices have not answered our phone calls since their service was cut off four years ago for failure to pay their phone bill, but the current presidential candidates were quick to weigh in on the news.

"It is unfortunate that my husband Bill appointed Mr. Shumway to Galactic Ambassador back in 1996 when he was President," said Hillary Clinton, "In 20 years we have not actually had contact with any other alien species making his services entirely unnecessary.  He has simply used his position as an excuse to get a free ticket to state dinners."

Bernie Sanders has also expressed concerns that "Mr. Shumway is simply another attempt by the establishment to steal votes from my supporters.  Since Shumway is nearly 260, he is quite clearly trying to split the 'really old guy' vote."

Donald Trump pulled no punches with his assessment of the situation, saying, "Gordon who?  ALF?  What is that some sort of commie secret society?  I hear he's from Melmac.  Melmac!  That's not part of the USA.  It's not on any of my maps, let me tell you.  And I've got great maps, the best!  Why is he Galactic Ambassador? Why don't we have a real American in that position?  Just another example of immigrants stealing our jobs. Well, I've got something to tell you Mr. ALF, Shumway Gordon, whatever your name is, I don't care.  I'm going to build an asteroid field between Earth and Melmac and I'm going to make Melmac pay for it!"

This is a breaking story.  Please stay tuned for further updates.

________________________________________________________________________________

OBAMA REELECTED; ALF TO CONTINUE AS GALACTIC AMBASSADOR

November 7, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

America has decided – Obama will begin his second term as President of the United States. However,
he is not turning his back on his Melmacian election opponent. In a statement released shortly after
his rousing victory speech, Obama stated the intent of keeping Gordon "ALF" Shumway on as Galactic
Ambassador.

An excerpt of Obama's statement follows:

"ALF will remain Galactic Ambassador. We have been pleased with his service to our country and to the
universe as a whole. In fact, the Mars Curiosity Rover was deployed, mostly on ALF's advice, to locate
and make contact with the mean family of cucumbers that he has informed us are living on the red
planet. When contact is made, ALF will be a vital part in establishing diplomatic relations with them."

ALF and his running mate Sigourney Weaver are understandably disappointed with the outcomes of the
election.

"What really irks me," said ALF, "Is that I received so few votes that it didn't even show up on the Google
election results. In fact, I understand that most of the DemoCatic campaign office staff actually voted
Libertarian."

However, ALF does say that he is happy to remain on as Galactic Ambassador, "I actually enjoy my
current job pretty well. I get plenty of sick and vacation leave, and to tell you the truth, we don't really
contact aliens from other worlds all that often. And who really wants to be the President anyway? We
all know that he's little more than a puppet. The last thing I would want is for anyone to accuse me of
just being a puppet!"

Sigourney Weaver was less optimistic, "I've turned down so many movie roles during this campaign!
And I hardly got any votes for Vice President on ALF's ticket. I did, however, receive a modest number
of write-in votes in which voters chose me as president with ALF as vice president. Maybe when we run
again in 2016 we should flip the ticket around."

Weaver's deflated enthusiasm didn't last for too long, however. She has stated that she plans to get in
touch with Mick Jagger in the next few days to see if there are any roles still available in the upcoming
Freejack 2. She's also hoping to be considered for a role in the recently announced Star Wars: Episode
VII, which is currently in preproduction at Disney.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF OFFERS SOME FINAL WORDS THE DAY BEFORE THE ELECTION

November 5, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

It has been a long road to Election Day for Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway. Since his
nomination as DemoCatic candidate, his campaign has been fraught with scandal. In a recent Gallup
Poll, citizens were asked to vote for the top three most entertaining scandals of the election. ALF swept
the top three with the Bouillabaseball gambling scandal, the cotton addiction scandal, and topped the
list with the White House April Fools prank scandal.

ALF respectfully thanked his opponents for a race well run, saying, "Barrack and Mitt are really okay
guys. It's just that I wouldn't want to live in a country where they have their finger on that big red
button, if you know what I mean."

ALF fled his home planet of Melmac in order to escape the explosion that destroyed the entire planet, so
he has a unique understanding of the threat of nuclear war. He offers these final words of reassurance
to voters as they head to the polls tomorrow, "Hey, it's a pretty rare thing for planets to explode. I came
here from Melmac after it exploded. The law of averages means that this planet will not explode . . .
most likely."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF REFLECTS ON THE “HORSES AND BAYONETS” OF 1917

October 28, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

During the third presidential debate, after Romney criticized the dwindling size of the military during
Obama’s presidency, citing that the U.S. has fewer naval vessels than it did in 1917, Obama tersely
responded that we also have fewer “horses and bayonets.”

Although Obama’s comment was intended to be sharply sarcastic, many interested reporters were
curious as to Gordon “ALF” Shumway’s comparison of today’s military to the military of World War I.
Shumway, a Melmacian, was more than 150 years old when World War I broke out and therefore has
unique firsthand knowledge to share.

“I never liked Archduke Ferdinand,” said ALF, “I had always said ‘I wish that guy would disappear for
good.’ Of course, I had no idea someone would go and off him! Boy, do I feel like a jerk now. I mean,
who knew the whole Earth would fly into such a frenzy about it – the guy was a dweeb!”

Although ALF was not living on Earth at the time, Melmacian intelligence officers were monitoring
the Earth and sending reports back to Melmac. As a member of the Melmacian Orbit Guard, ALF got
periodic briefings on the various conflicts.

“It’s difficult for me to compare horses and bayonets with today’s stealth bombers and nuclear
submarines,” said Shumway, “I mean, they’re all equally primitive compared to Melmacian technology.
Of course, at some point Melmacian military technology got out of hand – that’s why our planet
exploded. Maybe we’d have been better off sticking with horses and bayonets. Of course, our horses
were quite a bit different – they had six legs and didn’t work weekends or holidays.”

Planet Melmac exploded in 1985 during a nuclear conflict. It is unknown how many Melmacians
survived, but the largest group of remaining Melmacians has established a colony on the planet of New
Melmac.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF RUMORED TO HAVE PUT EXORBITANT DEPOSIT DOWN ON VICTORY CELEBRATION

October 21, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Unconfirmed rumors allege that Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway has put down an enormous sum
of money, reportedly over $100,000 as a deposit for the catering for his victory celebration. Due to
privacy concerns, Capital City Catering was unable to confirm or deny these rumors.

"It is strictly against our policy to release costumer information to the public without express permission
of the customer," said Elaine Henderson, the owner and manager of Capital City Catering.

However, it is known that ALF has used CCC's services before, as he has public endorsed their services in
the past. In fact, he is known to have had several large catered gatherings during the campaign.

D.C. citizen Virginia Giles complained, "How does ALF afford all of these expensive parties anyway? I
think ALF should be required to release his tax returns to the public."

An employee of Capital City Catering who asked to remain anonymous confirmed that it is not unusual
for Shumway to spend amounts in excess of $100,000 for catering saying, "$100,000 barely covers the
cost of Shumway's meal alone, much less the guests' meals!"

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF RESPONDS TO ALLEGATIONS OF HIS BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN

October 17, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

After Mitt Romney's comment about receiving "binders full of women" in the second presidential
debate, the internet was abuzz with Tweets, Facebook comments, captioned image files, and original
songs in honor of the suddenly trending search term. It has also sparked allegations that Ambassador
Gordon "ALF" Shumway, DemoCatic candidate for president, has his own binders full of women.
Shumway responded to these allegations head-on.

"Yes, it's true," said ALF, "I do have five or six binders full of women back home. A little while back, I
subscribed to eHarmony for a few months. While I was a member, I printed out numerous member
profiles, sorted them, and organized them with binders. In my defense, I thought they were mostly
Melmacians. If you don't know what I'm talking about, sign up for a one-month membership – they
don't all look like the girls on the ads."

Indeed, Shumway is still single and looking, and did receive an honorable mention this year for People
Magazine's list of the most eligible bachelors. Unfortunately, Shumway was unable to compete in the
contest proper, because he doesn't actually fit the definition of the magazine's title.

While ALF still claims to be "on the market," there are many rumors that he still carries the torch for a
Melmacian woman named Rhonda, who now lives on the planet of New Melmac.

________________________________________________________________________________

WEAVER MAKES SURPRISE VISIT TO VP DEBATE

October 15, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

A disgruntled Gordon "ALF" Shumway decided not to dignify with his presence the presidential debate a
few weeks ago when he was "snubbed" from the program. Sigourney Weaver, on the other hand, didn't
let this stop her. She showed up outside the hall dressed as her character Ripley from the Alien movies.
She caused quite a stir as attendees for the Vice Presidential debate formed a long queue to get their
pictures taken with Weaver and to get her autograph on the debate program. Reportedly she signed
the attendees' programs right across the faces of Biden and Ryan in large print, "Thanks for your vote.
Love, Sigourney Weaver."

Political analyst Robert Dean said that this was an unprecedented and unusually effective presence by
a third party candidate at a VP debate. Dean said, "Weaver's presence is not likely to sway those who
already had a partisan affiliation, but she had a profound effect on the undecided voters."

Indeed, polls that came out the following day showed that over half of previously undecided voters now
endorsed the Shumway/Weaver ticket.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF SNUBBED IN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

October 7, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The DemoCatic campaign was reportedly upset that their candidate Gordon "ALF" Shumway was not
invited to the presidential debate on Wednesday, October 3 at the University of Colorado in Denver.
Having been "snubbed," the candidate chose to stay at home rather than attend the debate as an
audience member.

"Apparently they don't consider me a serious contender in the presidential race," said Shumway, "They
have these things called polls, and apparently they say I'm not high enough in the running."

Many of those that watched the debate felt that Romney started strong and President Obama was
struggling to keep up with the debate. However, Romney created quite a stir when he commented
that although he likes Big Bird, that PBS funding would be one of the first things that he would cut. This
created an uproar among adults and children alike.

When we asked ALF what he thought of Romney's comment, he stated, "Actually, I didn't watch the
debate. Honey Boo Boo was on South Park that night, so I had to TiVo the debate."

Although ALF had plans to watch the debate after a moderately-sized lunch, he did add, "I think Big Bird
has been leaching on the government for far too long. But maybe I'm biased on the issue, I just can't
stand puppets, or ventriloquism in general. I had a ventriloquist dummy for a while – things didn't turn
out so well . . ."

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY CAMPAIGN CAUSES STIR IN OHIO; NATIONAL GUARD CALLED TO ACTION

September 30, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The DemoCatic campaign caused quite a stir in Ohio on Saturday, when a small militia of Shumway
supporters marched on Columbus, Ohio's state capital and its largest city. Apparently, Shumway heard
that Ohio could be a pivotal battleground state in the presidential election, but took the term too
literally.

At the sight of the oncoming army, Ohio state governor John Kasich called in the National Guard to
defend the capital. The National Guard surrounded the capitol building, and also set up checkpoints at
all major roadways into the city. When Shumway's militia reached an army checkpoint on the outskirts
of Columbus, it was realized that the volunteer army of about 2500 Shumway supporters was armed
only with Super Soaker water guns and water balloons.

Shumway later acknowledged to misunderstanding the term "battleground state," and now understands
that they are not the sites of actual literal battles. When questioned why he was attempting to engage
in military combat with water guns and balloons, he simply replied, "I didn't actually want to shoot
anyone, I was just hoping that since the weather is so cold in Ohio this time of year that people would
rather surrender than being soaked with cold water."

The National Guard was recalled when it became apparent that the Shumway militia did not pose any
serious threat.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF'S SPEECH AT TREK CONVENTION LEAKED

September 23, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

This weekend, bootleg recordings of ALF's speech at a recent Star Trek convention were leaked via the
internet. The content of this speech was intended to be private, as audio and video recording of the
speech was prohibited, but it seems that certain attendees recorded the speech with their cell phones
and posted it to WikiLeaks.

Political analysts are concerned that the content of the speech may be damaging to Ambassador
Gordon "ALF" Shumway's campaign. Some of the more damaging excerpts are as follows:

". . . I mean who does this Riker guy think he is? He's just a sissy pretty boy in season one and then he
grows a beard and we're suddenly supposed to take him seriously?"

". . . okay, okay, I'll admit Picard is an alright guy, but if you put him in an arm wrestling match with Kirk,
we all know Kirk would win, hands down. That's all I'm saying!"

". . . I don't know, I just still can't buy into the diversity of The Next Generation crew. A Klingon and an
annoying teenager on the same bridge. I just can't believe that Worf never shoved Wesley out of an
airlock!"

These statements may not seem particularly damaging to ALF, but Eugene Schnake , president of the
Midwest Society of Trekkies, Trekkers, and Tribbles believes that this speech will be very detrimental to
his campaign.

"ALF did not win very many friends with his speech," said Schnake, "In fact, he did more to estrange
young voters that grew up in The Next Generation era. It was well known that ALF is favored by the
older voters – after all, he's in his mid-200s. But younger voters that know and love TNG are infuriated by
ALF's comments."

There are rumors circulating that ALF will be apologizing for his anti-TNG remarks at next week's Sci-Fi
Space Fest convention.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF TRIES HIS HAND AT FOREIGN POLICY

September 16, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

In an attempt to show his abilities in foreign policy, Galactic Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway
proposed his three-step plan for peace in the Middle East. With all of the many attempts at establishing
peace, many questioned whether any three steps could possibly be adequate enough to even begin the
long process. ALF reassured the naysayers that his plan couldn't fail.

Step 1 of Shumway's plan involved sending contractors to build pools in the backyards of every home in
each of several Middle East nations. Step 2 involved installing air-conditioners in every public building
and private residence. Step 3 involved recruiting a legion of party planning consultants and caterers to
schedule an endless series of neighborhood luaus.

"I think the real problem is that it's just too darn hot over there," said ALF, trying to explain why the
peace process has been so difficult. "That's why pools and ACs are such a critical part of the plan."

When explaining the purpose of the luaus, ALF said, "How could people be mad at each other when
they're doing the limbo together and sharing banana mango smoothies?"

Obama claims that Shumway's plan does not make fiscal sense. "Where does the money come from
to build all of these pools and to install all these air conditioners?" asked Obama, "According to my
calculations, Shumway's plan will triple the national debt in the first three years of operation."

Mitt Romney was also dismayed by ALF's plan, saying, "I can't believe Shumway is trying to send all of
the caterers to the Middle East. What will I do if he recruits my regular caterer? Who will cater my
victory party?"

ALF admits that the plan has a few "details" that need to be ironed out, but still asserts that there is
beauty in its simplicity. "How could anyone think about fighting? They'll all be too busy learn to hula
dance and play the ukulele!"

________________________________________________________________________________

WEAVER STEALS THE SHOW AT THE DEMO-CATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION

September 9, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The DemoCatic National Convention took place last weekend on the sunny beaches of San Juan, Puerto
Rico, again drawing sharp criticism from his opponents. However, Gordon "ALF" Shumway countered
that a meeting of such great importance should never be attempted without a margarita in hand.
Besides, ALF said, if the convention were not a success, at least they could have some fun in the sun.

When ALF and his running mate Sigourney Weaver arrived at the airport, it appeared that they were
in for a great success when they had to fight their way through the crowd. ALF was preparing to make
an impromptu speech but changed his mind when he realized that most of the crowd was merely
clambering to get Sigourney Weaver's autograph.

Conditions were even worse during the actual convention. ALF's speech was met with polite courtesy,
whereas Weaver's speech received hoots, whistles, cat-calls, and even the occasional shout of praise,
such as, "You kicked butt in Alien!"

After the convention, ALF said, "It's not so much that I'm jealous of the attention that Sigourney Weaver
received, after all, she is a wonderful actress. It's just that I'm surprised that people weren't as awed by
my years of service as galactic ambassador. I guess it goes to show that the public always favors beauty
over brains."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF SUPPORTS EASTWOOD'S CHAIR SPEECH

September 2, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

At the Republican National Convention, celebrated actor Clint Eastwood addressed an empty chair,
which was meant to represent President Barrack Obama. Although the method was rather unorthodox,
Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway actually lauded Eastwood for what Shumway considers a "very
healthy and therapeutic outlet."

"Sure," said ALF when asked whether he had ever talked to a chair before, "Back on Melmac we used to
talk to our furniture all the time."

According to ALF, Melmacians routinely held conversations with chairs, sofas, beds, tables, as well as
other household objects.

"It's actually an excellent emotional outlet," said ALF, "If we were ever struggling with an important life
decision on Melmac, we’d chat with our family and trusted friends, and if we still didn't know what to
do? Well, we'd chat with the furniture."

However, even if one could defend the act of speaking to furniture, many found it disrespectful to
personify Obama in this manner.

"True," says ALF in response, "I would have at least had the respect to represent Obama with a
Barcalounger."

________________________________________________________________________________

GOP BLAMES ALF FOR HURRICANE ISAAC

August 26, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, campaign correspondent

As tropical storm Isaac reaches Florida, the Republican National Convention, which is to begin tomorrow
in Tampa, faces scheduling adjustments as it makes preparations for the storm, which is expected to
form into a category 1 or 2 hurricane. Most people just see the weather pattern as simply an act of God,
but others believe it is an act of someone much, much smaller.

“I’ll bet that furry little nuisance has something to do with this,” said Mitt Romney this morning.

Mitt Romney, Republican presidential candidate, blames Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway for the
tropical storm, which may shorten the schedule for the Republican National Convention.

“I bet he’s using some sort of cosmic powers just to sabotage my big moment,” Romney was overheard
mumbling to one of his advisors.

When asked for a statement, Shumway simply stated, “Cosmic powers? Ha! The only cosmic powers
I have are being able to program my DVR and being able to watch the entire extended editions of The
Lord of the Rings trilogy without getting up to use the bathroom.”

The National Weather Service will continue to monitor tropical storm Isaac, and the Republican National
Convention will adjust their plans accordingly.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF CAMPAIGN IN TROUBLE AFTER PLANNED PARENTHOOD COMMENT

August 19, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, campaign correspondent

Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway, DemoCatic candidate for president, is attempting to recover
from the backlash for a comment about planned parenthood that he made during a press conference
yesterday afternoon.

ALF made it very clear that he was entirely opposed to abortion, saying, "Parents should take
responsibility for their actions."

When asked if ALF thought that abortion should disallowed in all circumstances, he said, "Absolutely
– both man and woman have to voluntarily choose to release the pods in order to become parents, so
they should be held responsible for taking care of their child."

Both Democrats and Republicans were flabbergasted by these remarks - many found them to be
insensitive and furthermore that they showed a complete lack of understanding of human gestation.

When Vice Presidential candidate Sigourney Weaver took ALF aside to explain to him the "facts of life,"
ALF simply responded, "Ugh, why did you have to tell me just before lunch?"

________________________________________________________________________________

ROMNEY NAMES RYAN RUNNING MATE; ALF RESPONDS

August 12, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

This past week, Romney named his running mate for the 2012 presidential election. Godron "ALF"
Shumway was quite verbal with his response to Romney's nomination.

ALF responded to the nomination, thus: "I can't believe Romney nominated Ryan! And he gave me grief
for nominating Sigourney Weaver! Well, at least she was good in some of her early stuff. I liked When
Harry Met Sally. But You've Got Mail and City of Angels? I mean, you've got to be kidding me!"

When the reporters at the press conference informed ALF that Romney didn't nominate Meg Ryan, but
actually Paul Ryan, U.S. Representative from Wisconsin, ALF simply replied, "Huh… well, he probably
would've had better chances with Meg."

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF’S CITIZENSHIP QUESTION RETURNS TO FOREFRONT

August 5, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

With Galactic Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway’s campaign in an upswing, largely attributed to
a burst of enthusiasm following his announcement of Sigourney Weaver as his running mate, his
Democratic and Republican opponents have renewed their arguments that ALF is not a natural-born U.S.
citizen, but was only naturalized in 1996, when he became the U.S. Galactic Ambassador.

Unfortunately, for ALF this could be the end of the line, much to Weaver’s dismay. Weaver said this
morning, “What a bummer. Just after I’d turned down a movie role starring with Mick Jagger in Freejack
2.”

However, all hope may not be lost – the attorneys working for the DemoCatic party have combed
through the U.S. Constitution, as well as researching numerous judicial precedents and may have
found a useful loophole. ALF, a Melmacian by birth, was born on the 28th of Nathinganger (October)
in 1756, on the Earth calendar. Since the U.S. Constitution was ratified in 1787, ALF’s birth predated
the Constitution by 31 years. ALF’s attorneys argue that the first nine presidents were born as British
citizens and only became U.S. citizens when the Constitution was ratified.

President Obama says that this argument doesn’t hold any water, because the Constitution specifically
states that U.S. presidents must either be a natural-born citizen or a citizen of the United States when
the Constitution was ratified. This argument would seem to clinch it, but ALF released a statement in
response in which he claims that he was, in fact, a citizen at the time. An excerpt of this statement
follows:

“Funny story – I actually lived on Earth from age 30-35 as a galactic exchange student. I lived in a
crowded tenement building in Trenton, New Jersey. After a few months, the money my parents sent
with me ran out, and I had to find a job. I applied to work for my landlord, doing odd jobs cooking and
cleaning. My landlord was a staunch patriot, so he made sure that I got the appropriate paperwork
to become a New Jersey citizen before the Constitution was ratified. In a way, I had dual citizenship,
although since the newly formed United States didn’t recognize my Melmacian citizenship, they
considered me to be fully American.”

ALF’s attorneys argue that since he was officially a naturalized citizen of New Jersey when the U.S.
Constitution was ratified that he is indeed eligible to be President of the United States. Mitt Romney,
however, has quite vocally insinuated that this entire story was fabricated, saying, “Does Shumway
really expect us to believe this enormous whopper? Does he really think we are going to accept the fact
that a 3-foot furry alien was just walking the streets for five years without anyone noticing?”

ALF simply responded to this by saying, “Hey, all I can say is I’ve seen much stranger things in Jersey.”

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY SPOTTED AT CHIK-FIL-A, SPARKS CONTROVERSY

August 1, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

After Dan Cathy, Chik-fil-A President, stated in a mid-July interview that he was against gay marriage,
the restaurant has seen a huge loss in sales throughout the United States. However, today Chick-fil-A
restaurants across the nation are packed by those that support Cathy’s stance, in what former Arkansas
Governor Mike Huckabee calls “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.”

Not surprisingly, Sarah Palin has posted a photo on Twitter of herself dining at Chick-fil-A today, to
support “traditional family values.” However, in a shocking turn of events, Ambassador Gordon “ALF”
Shumway also showed up for dinner at a Chick-fil-A in Washington D.C. Restaurant workers claim that
he bought out every last morsel of chicken in the store, so that they had to close the store to wait for a
new shipment of food.

Gay rights activists are outraged at Shumway’s apparent change of colors. Earlier this year, Shumway
claimed that he supported equal marriage rights for all, but this enormous gesture of support for the
restaurant chain would seem to indicate otherwise.

Shumway was unavailable for comment because of a food coma, but a spokesperson for the DemoCatic
party explains, “Ambassador Shumway still supports equal rights for all. Today’s exorbitant chicken
purchase was the result of a bimonthly feeding frenzy – a natural cycle in Melmacian metabolism.
Not only did Shumway completely buy out the Chik-fil-A in downtown D.C., he also bought out a
KFC, Popeye’s, Church’s, and a Buffalo Wild Wings store in the same area. It seems the Ambassador
simply ‘felt like chicken’ tonight.”

The owners of these restaurants apologize to their regular patrons and assure them that they will
receive food shipments in time to open for their regular business hours on Thursday.

________________________________________________________________________________

ROMNEY MAKES UNFAVORABLE COMMENTS ABOUT LONDON; ALF FOLLOWS SUIT

July 30, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Romney commented this week that he felt London was not sufficiently prepared to host the Olympic
Games. Republicans fear that these comments have weakened Romney’s position, as Romney has
already been criticized for his inexperience with foreign policy.

The Obama campaign has already capitalized on Romney’s faux pas when President Obama delivered
words of praise to London on the excellent job they are doing hosting the games.

Gordon “ALF” Shumway, however, trying a political maneuver similar to Obama’s, attempted to
distance himself from Romney’s comments by refuting his dim view of London’s Olympic preparations.
Unfortunately, in so doing, he may have inadvertently worsened his own position.

The following is an excerpt of the statement that Shumway released last Friday:

“Unlike my Republican opponent, I would like to say that on behalf of the American people, we believe
that London has represented England with pride in its preparations for the 2012 Olympic Games. Don’t
take Romney’s comments too hard, he rubs people the wrong way here in America, too. London is
doing fine with Olympic sports – I think if anything, England has fallen behind on competitive eating
sports. I heard that a competitive fish and chips eating competition in London’s South End last month
was won by someone named Nigel Longfellow, who ate 27 fish and 15 pounds of chips. You call that
competitive? That’s an appetizer to me!”

The people of London are outraged by Shumway’s criticism of their golden boy, Nigel Longfellow.
Members of his fan club, known as the Nigel Longfellowship, have already disgraced Shumway by
printing his portrait on a special order of 5,000 custom dartboards, which have been distributed to pubs
throughout England, where the various chapters of the Nigel Longfellowship hold their weekly meetings.

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY COMBATS AMERICA’S OBESITY “PROBLEM”

By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent
July 22, 2012

In a town hall meeting in Kansas City, Missouri on Monday, Gordon “ALF” Shumway addressed what he
considers to be America’s obesity “problem.” The following is an excerpt from Shumway’s speech:

“Americans are much larger in the 21st century than in any previous century. Diets are higher in calories,
saturated fats, and cholesterol. Humans are getting fatter all the time. But the real problem has not
even been fully addressed – what about cats? While people are getting fatter, felines are staying trim
with healthier cat food blends. What happened to the plump, juicy cats we used to know?”

A PETA spokesperson expressed extreme displeasure with Shumway’s statement, asserting that the
subtext was that ALF wanted to fatten up cats for culinary purposes. ALF didn’t deny this, but went
on to say that he didn’t think it was mistreatment of cats, as long as they were tastefully served with a
garnish and a glass of sparkling cider.

Bob Barker, former host of The Price is Right who advocated for spaying and neutering pets in order
to control the pet population, also responded to ALF’s speech with disgust. According to Barker, “I
have been asking people to help control the pet population all these years, so that we wouldn’t be
overrun with animals that can’t get the food or medical treatment they need. If ALF had his way, the pet
population wouldn’t be a problem; he could probably take care of it himself with three stomachs tied
behind his back.”

In the wake of the generally unpleasant response to ALF’s speech, he has removed certain clauses from
his Shumwaycare proposal in regards to the mandatory feeding of large meat platters to all domestic
cats, a mandate that would have been required of all cat owners.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF SKYROCKETS IN POLLS, THANKS TO WEAVER

By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent
July 15, 2012

Just two weeks after Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway announced that he will be running on a ticket
with Sigourney Weaver as vice presidential candidate, Shumway’s ratings skyrocketed in all of the major
polls. Just as ALF was being dismissed as a distant third in the election, his campaign has a newfound
momentum. Some Democrats and Republicans fear that this new found thrust in the campaign may be
perfectly timed for a “dark horse” victory.

The ALF/Weaver alliance began their joint campaign with the slogan, “Open the Door . . . for Change!” –
playing on a quote from the movie Alien and also usurping a part of Obama’s platform for change. Some
Democrats aren’t happy about this and feel that the DemoCats are again trying to confuse voters into
voting for the wrong man (who in the present case is a Melmacian).

Mitt Romney has not let the possibility of a Cinderella story slow his campaign, however. Rumors
say that he is currently considering Carrie Fischer (“Princess Leia” of Star Wars) and Marina Sirtis
(“Counselor Deanna Troi” from Star Trek: The Next Generation) as possible running mates.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF’S OPPONENTS DEMAND TO KNOW WHY HE HAS OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS

July 8, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

One week after ALF announced that he would be running on a ticket with Sigourney Weaver, his
opponents have uncovered information leading them to believe that he has several offshore accounts.
After ALF’s excessive spending on a “fun-in-the-sun” strategy early in his campaign, which he began in
Puerto Rico and continued up the Florida coastline, these allegations call the candidate’s character into
serious question.

ALF was infuriated when members of both Obama’s and Romney’s campaigns came forward demanding
that Shumway releases his tax returns for examination. The DemoCatic party claims that these
allegations are unjust and are just another attempt to mar his character.

Whereas ALF initially did not want to dignify the allegations with a response, he finally decided to put
the matter to rest by allowing the press access to his account at the Swiss National Bank. As it turns
out, he didn’t have one. However, Shumway did have a very large safe deposit box registered in his
name. When members of the press opened the safe deposit box, they found numerous cases of Hostess
Twinkies and Twizzlers.

The press was confounded by this discovery and asked why Shumway would be stockpiling Twinkies
and Twizzlers in offshore safe deposit boxes all over the world. He responded, “Hey, I’ve been through
one nuclear war – hopefully it will be the last. But I figured, hey, better safe than sorry. Twinkies and
Twizzlers never go bad, you know.”

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF NAMES RUNNING MATE

July 1, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

In a Thursday morning press conference, DemoCatic Presidential candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway
announced his running mate for the 2012 election.

Earlier in the week, the Romney campaign facetiously announced via Twitter that, “ALF has narrowed
down his choice of running mate to E.T. and Mr. Spock, LMAO!”

ALF was dismayed by the tactless comment and said, “Jokes like this are demeaning to the dignity of the
office of Vice President. So without further ado, I’m pleased to announce that my running mate for the
2012 election is Sigourney Weaver.”

ALF cited Weaver’s strength of character and her key role in Earth’s defense against intergalactic
invasion. Weaver was astonished and flattered by the nomination, which she enthusiastically accepted.
After the conference, when Weaver was asked whether ALF realized that the Alien movies in which she
starred were fictional, she replied, “I don’t know, but I’m not telling him.”

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY’S TAKE ON MUDSLINGING

June 24, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

With all of the mudslinging going on in the 2012 presidential campaign, including heckling during
speeches and unkind Twitter remarks, we asked Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway to comment on
his feelings about the tone of this year’s campaign scene.

Last week, Mitt Romney’s campaign bus drove circles around a gathering of Obama supporters in
Cleveland, honking its horn. When we asked Shumway for his comment on this, he said, “Ha! What a
yutz! But I do believe the first amendment specifically addresses the freedom of making rude noises,
which would cover car horns, certain bodily functions, and vuvzelas.”

The Republicans and Democrats both have also been getting nasty with their comments about each
other on Twitter, an internet site that allows one to instantly share comments to one’s subscribers. ALF
remarked that this sort of behavior was childish and immature. When we asked ALF whether he used
Twitter he admitted, “Actually I have two profiles - #obamaisanerd and #romneyisageek.”

Considering the nasty turn in the campaign scene, we asked Shumway whether he thought mudslinging
was an acceptable tactic in campaigning. ALF replied, “Apparently not. Of course, I might have taken
the term ‘mudslinging’ too literally – the one time that I actually slung mud at Obama, I was detained by
the secret service for several hours.”

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF REMINISCES ABOUT HIS FATHER


June 17, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

On this Father's Day, ALF shared some thoughts in an exclusive interview with this Campaign Correspondent. Ambassador Shumway opened up in many ways regarding his father, who has been missing since the destruction of Melmac. The following is an abbreviated transcript from the interview.

SS: Ambassador Shumway, if you would, please tell me about your father.

ALF: My father, Bob Shumway, was a mayonnaise miner on Melmac.

SS: So, on Melmac mayonnaise was mined?

ALF: That's right, but this is the real stuff, not the cheap Earth imitation that humans call "mayonnaise." Mayonnaise on Melmac was a valuable substance - you couldn't get a jar for less than two wernicks.

SS: What made it so valuable?

ALF: Well, let's put it this way - Melmac's planetary motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"

SS: I see, and by the way, what is a wernick?

ALF: Melmacian currency. A wernick is worth the same as two half-wernicks.

SS: How did your father influence how your personality developed throughout your life?

ALF: He instilled in me a strong work ethic. He spent some long days at the mines to make sure that his wife and three children were always provided for. He also taught me some valuable lessons about life.

SS: Such as?

ALF: He used to always tell me, "If it's edible, eat it. If it isn't, use it. If you can't figure out how it works, break it."

SS: And this has been the key to your success?

ALF: It has?

SS: Moving along - was there ever a time when you and your father didn't see eye to eye?

ALF: Well, my father wasn't too keen on me joining the Orbit Guard. I think he always figured I would become a mayonnaise miner after his footsteps. In the end, I was drawn to the Orbit Guard, mostly for the promise of fame and money. Neither of which it offered - if I ever get my hands on that recruiter . . .

SS: On a somber note, you lost contact with your father after the destruction of planet Melmac. Do you think he is still out there somewhere?

ALF: I don't know, but if he is, I'd just like to say I love you, Dad; Happy Father's Day; and throw another steak on the barbecue for me, ha!

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF QUESTIONED IN REGARDS TO CAMP DAVID INCIDENT

June 10, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The National Guard was called in late last night to Camp David, when it was discovered that an unauthorized bonfire burned down two acres of the forest before it could be put out. Military police investigated the fire and determined that it was not arson, but merely a bonfire that got out of control because of inadequate supervision.

Catoctin Mountain Park rangers reported sighting a dog-like creature screaming and running away on its hind legs from the bonfire with part of its fur on fire and submerging itself into a nearby pond. The park rangers lost sight of the creature when the bonfire collapsed and started a swiftly spreading fire in the sorrounding forest. After the fire was extinguished, the rangers discovered the charred remanants of over 50 smores and approimately 60 hot dogs. Judging from the empty food packages left behind, it is judged that many more had already been consumed before the fire spread.

"We didn't see anyone else aside from the creature on the premises," said Ranger Gabe Aldrich, "So it is puzzling as to how all this food was eaten in such a short amount of time. No animal in this park is capable of eating anywhere near this amount of food."

Homeland Security has brought Ambassador Gordon "ALF" Shumway in for questioning since the physical description matches, as does the description of the amount of food consumed, which constitutes a moderately-sized snack in Melmacian terms. ALF admits to having been at Camp David yesterday and takes full responsibility for the incident.

"I was aware that Camp David was a restricted area," said ALF, "but hey, I figured I'd get the place broken in for when I become President."

In response to this statement, Mitt Romney had this to say, "What arrogance, what audacity, Ambassador Shumway trespassing at Camp David! And what utter devestation, burning down those two acres of precious forest! On the other hand, Shumway may have done me a favor, clearing away two acres - I had been planning on converting two acres of Camp David into a dog park when I become President."

ALF's diplomatic immunity as Galactic Ambassador again seems to have saved him from the serious penalties he would otherwise be facing for the trespassing and damages, however, his government-funded Sam's Club membership has been temporarily revoked. In the meantime, ALF's weekly supply of hot dogs and smores will be rationed and delivered to his home, whose loction is undisclosed.

________________________________________________________________________________

NEVADA AUTHORITIES ON THE LOOKOUT AFTER AREA 51 INCIDENT

June 3, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Nevada authorities are investigating a strange sighting that was made in the vicinity of Area 51 on
Thursday night. An unidentified flying object was seen flying over Area 51, which bystanders at first
thought might simply be a falling meteor. It became apparent that it was not a meteor, when the object
suddenly seemed to be leaving a trail of exhaust, which began to form words in the night sky. After the
words “ALF in 2012 – everyone else can go home” were emblazoned across the sky, the UFO turned
about and sped out of sight.

Although Gordon “ALF” Shumway has not yet been named as a person of interest in this incident, it
seems likely that Nevada authorities will be investigating the possibility of Ambassador Shumway’s
involvement. Although a number of UFO watchers took high definition footage of the incident, it was
simply too dark, and the exhaust port was too bright to clearly see the UFO in order to compare it to
footage from the Washington D.C. incident on April 1, which has been allegedly attributed to ALF.

UFO watcher Bill Fitzgibbons, however, does not attribute this incident to ALF, saying, “The make of
the spacecraft observed on Thursday night, was not consistent with any known Melmacian craft. From
everything I know about UFOs, I believe the craft was sent by the Juju people of Saturn. The Juju people
are interested in teaching the people of the Earth world peace, and though I may be mistaken, I think
they are trying to tell us to vote for ALF.”

In response to the allegations of his involvement, ALF had this to say: “Why is it that every time
someone thinks they see a UFO flying over Area 51, everyone thinks I had something to do with it? Next
time go ask Kevin Spacey, he’s obviously from another planet!”

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY ADVOCATES ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCES

May 27, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway spoke at a rally on Saturday afternoon, touching upon several
issues, but spending a lot of time talking about a problem facing all Americans – high prices at the gas
pump.

Shumway said that Ethanol, which is an alternative fuel source derived from corn oils, was a pretty good
idea, but that the American people would be better served by finding a fuel source from a different
agricultural crop.

“Corn is actually pretty good,” said Shumway, “it is personally one of my favorite vegetables. Not to
mention, you can use it to make popcorn! Why not make fuel from Brussels sprouts, or cauliflower, or
celery, or parsnips. Ewww, I mean, who’d miss them?”

Once again, American farmers are outraged at Shumway’s indiscretion in denigrating some of the
products that are their main source of income in these difficult economic times.

Bill Hendrickson, an Iowa farmer, responded to Shumway’s statement, saying, “I can’t believe the nerve
of that fat little alien. No wonder he doesn’t like any of these vegetables. I bet that lard hasn’t eaten a
single salad his whole life.”

________________________________________________________________________________

DEMOCATIC PARTY BRIEFLY CONSIDERS NAME CHANGE

May 20, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

While on the campaign trail in New York City, DemoCatic candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway proposed a
name change for his party.

“After talking to the people of NYC,” said Ambassador Shumway, “I realize that many of them have been
crushed by the economic crisis. Therefore, I propose a name change for my party from DemoCat to ‘The
Rent is Too Darn High Party’ – ours is a polite political organization.”

Jimmy McMillan is up in arms about this change and says that this is just a political move to confuse
voters from his party into voting for ALF.

“Votes?” asked Shumway, “Did anyone actually vote for that guy? I thought he was just an internet
meme.”

In the end, Shumway discarded the name change idea, saying, “I guess if we’re going to get votes from
confused voters, the Democratic party has whole bunch more dumb people to punch the wrong box
than McMillan’s party does.”

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF SPEAKS HIS MIND ON MARRIAGE EQUALITY

May 13, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

President Obama announced his stance on same-sex marriage in an ABC interview last week,
saying, “. . . at a certain point I've just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go
ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.” In the wake of this
announcement, the press has urged DemoCatic candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway to comment in
regards to his stance on the issue.

In a press conference this morning, Shumway said, “I think people should be able to choose to marry as
their hearts lead them. In fact, my cousin Blinky was married to a Medusa lamp for 57 years. Of course,
he also liked to eat light bulbs – that’s why we called him ‘Blinky.’”

When asked if Shumway believed that marrying light fixtures was harmful to the sanctity of marriage,
the candidate responded, “Of course it is! But at least they never fought from the day they met until the
day she shorted out. Marrying another person, regardless of gender, should be considered harmful to
the sanctity of marriage. I mean, how can you force yourself to get along with another person for your
whole life without going crazy? You’d think that half of these marriages would just end in divorce. Oh
wait, they do!”

Blinky could not be reached for comment, but sources report that he currently lives on the planet of
New Melmac and spends his retirement restoring antique chandeliers in his garage.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

May 6, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway held a town hall meeting in El Paso, Texas on Wednesday of last
week to address illegal immigration in the United States.

“Illegal immigration is a rampant problem in the United States,” says Shumway, “Illegal immigrants
are taking our jobs, using our government benefits, and corrupting our society. To this end, I have
formulated a plan to build a fortified steel wall between the U.S. and Canada.”

Shumway then unveiled a scale model for this Northern Boundary Wall. After a few moments of
murmuring, the crowd spoke up and expressed the sentiment that it was not the northern border but
the southern border that they were concerned with protecting.

“Realy?” asked Shumway in disbelief, “Mexico has tropical beaches, margaritas, and mariachi bands.
Why would they want to come up here? Canada on the other hand has weather that ranges from
cold to very cold. Besides, if they all start coming here, our children will start watching hockey and
saying ‘eh’ all the time . . . eh?”

After the town hall meeting, Shumway expressed disappointment in his plan’s reception, noting
that, “Hockey hair is not just a passing phase, it’s an epidemic.”

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF FINGERED IN BOUILLABASEBALL GAMBLING SCANDAL

April 29, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

An unnamed source has fingered Gordon “ALF” Shumway for his alleged involvement in a covert
bouillabaseball gambling conspiracy. The testimony describes how Shumway accepted compensation
from bouillabaseball gamblers to throw several games during the 1984-1985 season while Shumway
played middle spritz for the Melmac Orbiters.

Unfortunately, full game statistics have been lost as the headquarters for Melmacian League
Bouillabaseball (MLB) was destroyed during the destruction of planet Melmac in 1985. The only
statistical records remaining are found on the backs of Bouillabaseball cards brought to Earth by ALF in
his spaceship. The cards have been seized as evidence from Gordon Shumway and from Brian Tanner,
the son of Kate and Willie Tanner who housed Shumway during his first four years on Earth. ALF had
given some of his card collection to Brian Tanner in the late 1980s.

Shumway’s lawyers claim that bouillabaseball, which is similar to Earth’s baseball except that fish parts
are thrown instead of a ball, is not regulated by Earth laws and Shumway cannot therefore be held
culpable. Furthermore, the alleged compensation received by Shumway, which amounted to 100 lbs. of
frozen tilapia, would also have been lost in Melmac’s destruction.

Shumway says the allegations are “preposterous” and claims, “The Melmac Orbiters would never accept
compensation to throw games. We didn’t have to. We were absolutely awful! In fact, our bat boy had
the highest slugging percentage of anyone on the team!”

Due to lack of evidence, the charges will likely be dropped. DemoCatic supporters claim that these
accusations are baseless and have only been brought forth by his opponents to mar Shumway’s
reputation, which most DemoCats describe as “not half bad.”

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY RAISES CONCERNS ABOUT THE AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAM

April 22, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway said earlier this week at a convention held by the National
Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) that our space program is seriously behind those of our
planetary neighbors.

According to Shumway, “Even the family of mean cucumbers on Mars has a space program more
advanced than Earth’s, and they have no arms or legs. The Venusians travelled to Earth millennia ago to
experiment with cross-breeding the Venus Flytrap with Earth plants. That is why we still have them on
Earth today.”

In addition to competition within our solar system, even visitors from other galaxies have tapped into
the vast resources of our solar system. Shumway says, “After Melmac was destroyed in 1985, two of my
friends opened a tanning parlor on Mercury. Of course, I understand they both have skin cancer now,
and that’s quite a difficult thing to do when your body is more than 90% covered in fur.”

ALF will continue his discussion of the future of the American space program during next week’s TED
Talks and at an upcoming Star Trek convention in Atlanta.

________________________________________________________________________________

UPROAR OVER EXPOSED PLANS TO CONVERT OVAL OFFICE INTO “RECTANGULAR OFFICE”

April 15, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

“Forest green walls, shag carpet, rectangular.”

These were the notes that DemoCatic presidential candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway sent to his
personal secretary on Thursday afternoon. These notes are in regards to Shumway’s plans to remodel
the Oval Office to his own specifications. He went as far as to hire contractors to visit the Oval Office for
estimates.

The contractors arrived in work trucks at various times throughout the morning on Friday at the White
House gates and were each turned away. One pair of workmen from an undisclosed contractor was
clever enough to sign up for a White House tour, but were apprehended by security staff when they
took out hidden measuring tapes and attempted to take discreet measurements in the Oval Office. The
two men are being held for questioning by Homeland Security.

Mitt Romney responded to this intrusion indignantly, saying, “I can’t believe Shumway still considers
himself a serious candidate in this election. And he’s so arrogant that he would go as far as to pick
out curtains for the Oval Office, and he’s put them on the registry for his housewarming party. I know
because he sent me an invitation!”

President Barrack Obama himself, who has thus far tried to ignore the DemoCatic candidate for
the most part, considers this to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, saying, “This is a serious
breach of national security as well as poor taste and poor judgment on the Ambassador’s part, after
all, a “Rectangular Office” would eliminate the unique and charismatic character of the Oval Office.
Shumway may be facing the serious possibility of losing his position as Galactic Ambassador. In fact,
Leonard Nimoy just faxed us his CV last week, so if Shumway thinks he is indispensable, he is incorrect.”

The DemoCatic campaign office has not immediately responded to our phone calls or e-mail requests for
comment.

________________________________________________________________________________

LIMBAUGH ISSUES APOLOGY OVER “HAIR” COMMENTS

April 8, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh issued a public apology this morning for inflammatory remarks that
he made regarding Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway, DemoCatic presidential candidate, on his show
on Wednesday of last week.

A transcript of The Rush Limbaugh Show follows:

“The illegal immigration problem in this country makes me absolutely sick. Thousands of immigrants
walk across our borders on a daily basis and use our Medicaid benefits and steal our precious jobs. Not
only has President Obama done nothing about this, but our next President might be an illegal immigrant
from outer space. But Shumway doesn’t seem to have to follow the same rules as other immigrants. In
fact, we bought him a nice suit, gave him a Galactic Ambassador title, and we take care of his expenses
for him. I’d love to see the food bill that the American people are paying for from our own tax dollars. I
bet half the new tax laws in the past fifteen years were put in place specifically to cover that cost. And
what happens when Obamacare gets replaced with Shumwaycare? Are the American people suddenly
going to be paying for Shumway’s dandruff shampoo? When he gets elderly, are we going to pay for his
Rogaine treatments? What about when he invites all of his other hairy gorilla friends from outer space
down to Earth so they can be parasites on the American economy as well?”

Shumway was dismayed at Limbaugh’s remarks and responded in this way:

“Who does this Limbaugh think he is? You know, we can’t all have nice cushy jobs where we sit on
our butts and make inflammatory comments all day. We normal people have to work hard to climb
the ladder to get jobs like President of the United States, and then we can sit on our butts and make
inflammatory comments all day. Who is he to talk about my food bill, anyway? I bet that guy’s bill for
bacon and cheese puffs alone could balance the national budget. And the hair thing . . . let’s just say
that I’m used to people who are ‘without’ being more than a little jealous of my flowing mane.”

Although Shumway didn’t mention it himself, many Americans have spoken out against Limbaugh’s
reference to Melmacians as “hairy gorillas” as being overtly racist against the Melmacian race.
Yesterday, over 5,000 Shumway supporters appeared in ape suits outside of Limbaugh’s home in West
Palm Beach, Florida to protest the remarks.

In response to the backlash over his remarks, Limbaugh issued a written apology, stating, “My remarks
that referred to the Melmacian people as gorillas were insensitive and I regret my choice of words in the
matter. I did not in any way intend to equate the intelligence of Melmacians with gorillas. I apologize to
any gorillas that I may have offended with my thoughtless remarks.”

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY BRIEFLY APPREHENDED FOR APRIL FOOLS PRANK

April 1, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Galactic Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway was briefly detained for questioning by Homeland Security
personnel after an April Fools prank gone awry earlier this morning. Eye-witnesses refer to Shumway’s
prank as one of the most childish and immature acts they have ever seen by a presidential candidate,
and that of course, says quite a lot.

The United States Air Force was alerted at 7:31AM Eastern time that an unidentified flying object was
spotted over the Atlantic Ocean en route to Washington D.C. No less than thirty-seven fighter jets were
deployed to pursue the unidentified aircraft. However, the aircraft, described by Wing Commander
Drew Jeffries as appearing to be of an unknown technology, was able to easily outmaneuver and outrun
the fighter jets and the several dozens of missiles that were launched in pursuit of it.

At 7:43AM Eastern time, the U.S. Navy deployed sixteen nuclear submarines in a phalanx guarding
Washington D.C. Admiral Stephen Jackson reports, “We set the subs in position to intercept the bogey
with an array of tomahawk missiles, but the unidentified vessel was able to evade all of our best efforts
to prevent it from reaching Washington.”

Just moments after reaching the East coast, at 7:45AM, the unidentified vessel assumed a low altitude
flight path over Washington D.C. It’s flight path took it directly over the White House, where eye-
witnesses describe what they say appeared to be cargo doors open on the back of the craft releasing
thousands of raw eggs and rolls of toilet paper, leaving an enormous mess on the White House itself and
on the surrounding lawns.

Immediately afterwards, the fighter jets that were in hot pursuit of the aircraft claim that it turned
about and abruptly accelerated out of sight and out of radar range. Minutes later, Homeland Security
reported that Ambassador Shumway had been apprehended from his classified place of residence and
detained for questioning.

Thousands of National Guard members were called into active service to respond to the incident in
Washington, where they are currently cleaning up the toilet paper and the fetid rotten eggs. Francis
Carver, a D.C. resident told reporters, “Enough is enough. How long is Shumway going to get away with
this sort of behavior, just because he is a Galactic Ambassador?” Indeed, Shumway was released a few
hours after being apprehended, presumably thanks to his diplomatic immunity.

Republican Mitt Romney also raised objections to Shumway’s elaborate prank, and in between fits of
laughter he said, “Shumway’s behavior is inexcusable. He cost the United States people millions of
dollars today in causing the military deployment and the fabulous cost of cleaning up his mess. When
is the President going to renounce his ambassadorial status and stop protecting him? I can assure you,
that when I’m President . . . excuse me, a moment.” Romney was unable to finish his statement as he
doubled over with uncontrollable laughter.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF RESPONDS TO ROMNEY’S PUERTO RICO CAMPAIGN

March 18, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The candidates competing in the Republican primaries have adopted an unprecedented strategy. Last
week, Mitt Romney began campaigning in Puerto Rico, in the wake of Rick Santorum who made his
campaign tour of Puerto Rico earlier in the week. In an unusual way, Puerto Rico’s primary votes seem
to be a key part of the equation in selecting a Republican presidential candidate. Even though the
people of Puerto Rico can’t vote for president, their votes in the primaries may be a deciding factor in
the Republican primaries. This is, of course, an embarrassing turn of events for Romney who previously
criticized candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway for his unorthodox strategy of campaigning in Puerto Rico.

Shumway had this to say in response to the sudden rush on the Caribbean island: “Ha, just goes to
show what a two-face that Romney is! Now where is that quote? Ah, here it is. So Romney said ‘He’s
duped the American people into donating to his campaign fund and he’s using it to island hop across the
Caribbean.’ And if I remember right, he called my campaign a ‘never-ending hedonistic spring break!’
Spring break? Ha, shows what he knows! I never even went to college!”

Mitt Romney could not be reached for comment.

________________________________________________________________________________

ALF STRUGGLES WITH GOOGLE PROBLEM

March 11, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

The DemoCatic campaign office is currently struggling with an unfortunate issue regarding its candidate’s nickname on Google, the largest internet search engine in the world. Galactic Ambassador Gordon Shumway, who is commonly referred to as “ALF” (an acronym that stands for “alien life form”), is being confused with the Animal Liberation Front – an organization that has allegedly subverted the law on numerous occasions to free captive and mistreated animals.

When doing a Google search for “ALF,” the Animal Liberation Front appears in the top ten results, forging an unfortunate and spurious connection between the organization and Ambassador Shumway. Further strengthening the bogus connection are the allegations that Shumway has emancipated numerous cats since he came to Earth in 1986, including a Bengal tiger from the Los Angeles Zoo.

Shumway denies the allegations but responded by saying, “Even if these allegations were true, you can’t blame a guy for craving a light snack now and then.”

No spokesperson for the Animal Liberation Front could be reached for comment, but an anonymous letter that claimed to be from the Front stated that the organization wished to keep itself at the greatest distance from Ambassador Shumway, stating, “We find Shumway’s treatment of cats to be repugnant. We release captive animals for the fair treatment of all life, not for them to become part of Shumway’s personal all-you-can-eat buffet!”

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY SUPPLIES DEPOSITION REGARDING FERRARI JOYRIDE

March 4, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Since the announcement of Gordon “ALF” Shumway’s candidacy, a fair amount of investigation has been undertaken by his opponents regarding his domicile with the Tanner family, which began in 1986 and lasted until the early 1990s, when Shumway was apprehended by the alien task force for a time before being released and granted the title of Galactic Ambassador.

The latest allegation regards an incident in which a Ferrari purchased in ALF’s name was taken for a joyride on the Los Angeles freeway in 1986. The purchase of the Ferrari was made with gold that ALF sold via a broker known only as Joel, whose surname is suspiciously absent from all records of the transaction. Part of the funds from the sale of the gold went towards purchasing a red 1986 Ferrari, whereas the remainder was invested in a mango farm in Oxnard. The location of this mango farm remains a mystery, and no records have been found to corroborate Joel’s claim that the farm was built on a fault line and swallowed during an earthquake. Joel could not be located for comment, but is rumored to be in Bermuda.

The LAPD issued an all-points bulletin on the vehicle driven by someone described only as short and hairy. Unfortunately, the driver was going too fast for eye witnesses to provide an accurate description of facial features. According to police reports and the insurance claim, the Tanner’s reported that the car was stolen from their driveway and that the thief abandoned the vehicle back in their driveway and promptly disappeared after the freeway joyride. The Tanners could not immediately be reached for comment.

Gordon “ALF” Shumway was called in to make a deposition regarding this felony allegation, which he did with no qualms. In his deposition, Shumway reportedly took full responsibility for the incident, for which he cannot be held liable because of his status as Galactic Ambassador.

As Shumway exited the courthouse and walked down the front steps, he did not answer any questions, but did make this statement for the record: “I have diplomatic immunity! Na na na na na na!”

________________________________________________________________________________

OUTRAGE OVER SHUMWAY’S NEW TAX PLAN

February 26, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway, DemoCatic candidate for president, outraged a number of lobbyists and special interest groups when he revealed his new tax plan at a town hall meeting in Birmingham, Alabama. A transcript of a small portion of Shumway’s plan follows:

“I propose a 10% increase in income tax for people that watch reality TV shows and then talk about them as if they are actually representing reality. I propose a 75 cent tax whenever anyone uses an emoticon in a text message or e-mail. I propose a $10 tax, anytime that someone speaks the words ‘irregardless,’ ‘a whole ‘nother,’ or ‘kickin’ it with my girls.’ I propose a $1000 tax each time a rapper uses his own name in one of his raps. I propose a 25 cent tax every time an elementary school girl draws a heart above a lowercase letter ‘i’ instead of a dot.”

Many of Shumway’s tax proposals were met with disapproval, although an occasional applause broke out in various small clusters around the hall.

Mark Burnett, executive producer of the reality TV show “Survivor,” says, “We resent Shumway’s insinuation that reality TV shows don’t represent reality. Our wonderful cast and crew work long hours shooting and re-shooting scenes in order to provide the painstakingly accurate view of reality that we provide each week.”

Several lobbyists and special interest groups have lodged formal complaints against Shumway, and a large number of elementary school girls have united online to form a letter writing protest to Ambassador Shumway in which they will express their distaste for the new tax plan while belligerently putting hearts above their i’s.

________________________________________________________________________________

QUESTIONS ARISE OVER SHUMWAY’S RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION

February 19, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Concerns have been voiced by several Democrats and Republicans alike about a recent report regarding DemoCatic candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway. The report states that not only is Shumway a member of a religion known as Barryanism, who worship a deity known to the Melmacian people as Barry, but he is in fact an ordained minister of the faith. Whereas the U.S. Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, members of the Democratic and Republican parties are concerned as to how ALF’s ministry will affect his stance on federal policy.

Republican Mitt Romney expressed considerable concern over the issue in a statement released this morning, which said, “While I support the freedom of religion as guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution, I am concerned as to why Ambassador Shumway has chosen to conceal the fact that he is an ordained Barryan minister. What does he have to hide? Does he have plans to turn the American people int mindless followers of Barry?”

Shumway has stated in a DemoCatic press release that he has no intent of imposing Barryan policy on the American but that all Melmacians become ordained Barryan ministers within six months of their 233rd birthday. The ordainment process includes passing a test of knowledge, finding Barry in a hidden picture and helping him through a maze, and officiating a religious ceremony while wearing quidnuncian apparel (“quidnunc” is a Melmacian term for one who wears meat).

The organization known as Vegan Action is outraged by the idea of wearing meat and have already suggested the establishment of a Reformed Church of Barry, in which religious ceremonies would be performed in vegnuncian apparel. “Vegnunc” is a newly formed portmanteau indicating the wearing of apparel made of various types of vegetables.

Republican Newt Gingrich also expressed his concern in a Friday afternoon press conference, stating, “I’m frightened about what effect a Barryan minister would have as the leader of our country. In these times in which prayer in school is being attacked, what good can come of a Barryan president? Will he allow prayers in school as long as they are prayers to Barry? Will our children become quidnuncs and wear meat to school? Not only is the idea unsavory, but poses a real health risk when the meat becomes spoiled.”

Gordon “ALF” Shumway dismisses most of these comments as “ridiculous overreactions.” He defends his personal beliefs by saying, “Hey, just because I’m a minister of Barry [smooch, smooch], doesn’t mean I’m going to change America as we know it. After all, Lady Gaga wears dresses made out of meat, and the American people lay untold riches and wealth at her feet. But when I do it, well, that’s an entirely different story. Hmm, maybe I should release a pop music album.”

Whereas Shumway dismisses these various concerns, President Barrack Obama has taken steps to reevaluate the Strategic Defense Initiative (also known as “Star Wars”) as proposed by President

Ronald Reagan. Obama released a statement which said, “Ambassador Shumway has recently revealed
information about a powerful entity known as Barry. Shumway has also explained that Earth is on the side of Barry’s ‘good ear.’ For the safety of the American people, we must find out what is meant by this ‘good ear’? Is it a powerful interstellar surveillance system that is monitoring Earth? What sort of threats may this pose to Homeland Security? These questions must be promptly answered to ensure the safety of the American people.”

In the face of this controversy, Ambassador Shumway expresses his intent to continue performing the daily rituals of Barryanism, which include overeating by at least 1500 calories per meal, watching old reruns on TV, and burping downwind of other people.

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY’S CAMPAIGN LEAVES FLORIDA, FINALLY

February 12, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway drew heavy fire from all sides, including members of his own party, for what one DemoCatic representative refers to as “a truly unprecedented, unorthodox, and ineffective campaign strategy” – referring to Shumway’s repeated beach visits for what the candidate refers to as “town hall meetings with beach volleyball.”

Republican Mitt Romney said in a Thursday morning press conference, “My belief is that Shumway’s campaign, or as I would call it – his never-ending hedonistic spring break – is a direct reflection of what his presidency would be like. The man, or whatever he is, is going from beach to beach with no regards to the real problems faced by the American people, wasting money on cocktails and walking around with two women dangling on each arm.”

Shumway later responded to this by saying, “Hey, I can’t help it! Women just love my profile – I think it’s the nose.”

However, in the face of criticism from all sides, Shumway finally left Florida and continued his campaign in Alabama. Shumway is confident in his Alabama campaign, saying, “I think the people of Alabama will really relate to me. Most of them have the same number of teeth as I do. Ha!”

One Birmingham citizen told reporters that Shumway’s comment was insensitive and stereotypical. When this citizen was asked how many teeth he has, he declined to comment.

________________________________________________________________________________

RATINGS SCANDAL THREATENS REPUTATION OF DEMOCATIC CANDIDATE

February 5, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

A representative from the Thompson television ratings service has come forward with an allegation that threatens to damage the reputation of Galactic Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway, presidential candidate for the DemoCatic party.

The allegation surfaced in the form of a file full of paperwork regarding a “technical error” that took place in 1987, which caused the low-rated television program Polka Jamboree to suddenly soar to the no. 1 spot in the Thompson ratings. The file regarding the incident was rediscovered as Thompson was in the process of digitizing its backlog of paper records.

Polka Jamboree, which has been aptly described as a “Slavic Soul Train,” was a weekly program that featured live performances of such polka classics as “Beer Barrel Polka,” “Hoop-Dee-Doo Polka,” and “Who Stole the Kishka?” It was nearly cancelled in 1987, before the “technical error” occurred at Thompson.

When the file was brought to the attention of the Thompson management, the case was reopened and it was soon discovered that the source of the technical error was 167 Hemdale in Los Angeles. Thompson management did some research and discovered that this was the residence of the Tanner family who were keeping ALF in hiding at the time in 1987. Although it is still unclear how the technical error occurred, Thompson alleges that ALF must have used technology brought to Earth via his spaceship, which crashed into the Tanner’s garage the previous year.

The ratings error caused quite a stir in 1987 when Polka Jamboree briefly dethroned The Cosby Show from its number 1 position. At NBC, chief executive Brandon Tartikoff drew heavy fire for his pending decision to cancel Polka Jamboree, until the error was discovered, which led to the show’s inevitable cancellation.

When Brandon Tartikoff was asked to respond, he said that he vaguely remembered someone
named “Alf” calling him and taking responsibility for the ratings error, and then attempting to pitch a far-fetched idea for a sit-com about an alien living with a typical American family. Tartikoff says, “I didn’t take it seriously at the time, because I thought it was a prank call from David Letterman.”

While the evidence is still considered to be too circumstantial to press charges, Republican Newt Gingrich claims that this incident shows that, “Shumway cannot be trusted. If he’s capable of manipulating the television ratings, how do we know he can’t rig a presidential election?”

Phone calls to the DemoCatic campaign office have not been answered.

________________________________________________________________________________

SHUMWAY DEFINES HIS PLATFORM ON KEY ISSUES

January 29, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

As Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway’s presidential campaign slowly makes its way up Florida’s Gulf Coast, Shumway’s campaign platform is beginning to take shape. Shumway’s campaign began in the Caribbean, a move that has confounded political analysts, and is now taking the unique approach of stopping at every major beach on the Gulf Coast for what Shumway refers to as “town hall meetings with beach volleyball.”

Shumway’s platform is primarily concerned with three issues: the soaring national debt, nuclear war, and black bean soup – all three of which he is against.

Regarding the national debt crisis, Shumway said, “The government borrowing money to pay for programs such as Welfare and Medicaid is like robbing from Peter to pay Paul. I say let’s stop doing that and do the only reasonable thing – hire all of the Welfare recipients to work at the U.S. mint where we can print more money to pay off the debt. Ha! I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of that before!”

Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner says that, “Shumway’s proposed policy lacks fiscal sense. If the government borrowing is like robbing Peter to pay Paul, then printing up massive amounts of additional currency is like robbing Peter to pay Paul and then mugging Paul at gunpoint.”

In a somber moment, Shumway recounted his experience with nuclear war while he was serving in the Melmacian Orbit Guard shortly before planet Melmac’s destruction. “As I looked out of my spaceship,” said Shumway, “Melmac flickered with a bright white light, not unlike when you stick aluminum foil in the microwave. Suddenly my whole world was gone, and my species was endangered. That is why I’m firmly against microwave meals and advocate for all Americans to adopt a whole foods diet. Wait a minute, what were we talking about again?”

Finally, Shumway took a daring and controversial stance against black bean soup, “Yuck, I mean does anybody like this stuff? Who was the first yo-yo that thought, ‘hey, I think I’ll take these beans, throw them in some water, and eat them’? I say we outlaw the horrible stuff!”

Shumway’s platform against black bean soup has outraged American farmers, who claim that the proposed legislation would severely damage agricultural revenue. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack says, “This attack on black bean soup is unwarranted and serves no real purpose except for harming a number of hard-working American farmers. Besides, black bean soup is actually fairly palatable with some diced onions and garlic powder.”

We will be providing on-going coverage of Shumway’s campaign as it makes its way up the Gulf Coast.

________________________________________________________________________________

REPORT SURFACES ABOUT SHUMWAY’S ALLEGED SUBSTANCE ABUSE HISTORY

January 22, 2012
By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

An anonymous source has come forward reporting the DemoCatic candidate Gordon “ALF” Shumway’s history of alleged substance abuse. The documents provided by the anonymous source contain detailed descriptions of Shumway’s battle with an addiction to cotton. Photographs, videos, and personal letters provide evidence of Shumway using cotton, attempting to sell cotton, and even growing cotton in the attic with the use of sunlamps.

This potentially reputation-marring report comes just one week after Shumway accepted the DemoCatic nomination as presidential candidate for the 2012 election. A spokesperson for the DemoCatic party spoke with us earlier today and had this to say in response to the report: “These allegations of ‘substance abuse’ are utterly ludicrous. Shumway’s character is above reproach and these unjust accusations are simply a feeble attempt by his opponents to ruin his good name. Furthermore, even if the allegations were true, cotton is not even a controlled substance and its use as well as the selling and cultivating thereof are perfectly legal.”

Cotton is, in fact, not a controlled substance in the United States and is easily obtainable over-the-counter at almost all craft supply stores. Many of the clothes produced in the US are fabricated with the use of cotton.

However, regardless of the legality of the substance, the allegations come at a time when ALF’s good judgment is already being called into question. Prospective Republican candidate Mitt Romney has this to say about the situation, “I mean, who is this guy? He’s duped the American people into donating to his campaign fund and he’s using it to island hop across the Caribbean. And on top of that, it comes to light that he has a substance abuse problem. Now, I know what the DemoCats are saying – cotton is not an illegal substance. However, studies have shown that cotton is a gateway to more serious addictions. Is this the kind of president America wants or needs? Not in my country!”

The Caribbean leg of Shumway’s campaign tour is coming to a close as the campaign arrived in Key Largo, FL this morning – marking the first location on the DemoCatic campaign tour that is actually in one of the 50 US states. ALF had this to say this morning in a press conference in response to the substance abuse allegations, “Okay, so it may be true that I’ve got this thing for cotton, but I promise I never inhaled . . . cross my heart!”

The attorney for the DemoCatic party has informed us that there is no pending legal action to be taken against Shumway as cotton is not currently controlled by the Drug Enforcement Administration.

________________________________________________________________________________

GORDON “ALF” SHUMWAY TAKES DEMO-CAT-IC NOMINATION

January 15, 2012

By Samuel Stokes, Campaign Correspondent

Earlier today Galactic Ambassador Gordon “ALF” Shumway announced his acceptance of the nomination by the DemoCatic party to run as the party’s presidential candidate in the 2012 election.

Already Shumway has been highly criticized for his controversial choice of beginning his campaign in Puerto Rico.  When asked his reasoning behind this, considering that Puerto Rico is an unincorporated territory and therefore does not have any Electoral College votes, candidate Shumway simply responded, “Who said anything about campaigning?  I’m just here to hang out on the beach and enjoy the margaritas and eye candy!”

As the current President Barack Obama’s campaign is already in full swing, the campaign administration has already filed formal complaints against the DemoCatic party.  A Democratic Campaign Correspondent explains, “We worry that because of the similarity between the names of our two parties, that voters may be confused and registered Democrats might accidentally vote DemoCat by mistake, possibly costing thousands or millions of votes that were intended for Obama. “

Although such a concern may seem somewhat arbitrary, it might be appropriate to note that many Democrats still believe that the 2000 election was lost because of “confusing ballots” and “hanging chads” in the state of Florida.

Shumway responds to this by saying, “We value votes from smart people.  If the dumb people are too incompetent to punch the right spot, hey, we’ll take their votes, too!”

The Obama campaign has also raised the question of whether ALF is eligible to run for President.  The U.S. Constitution states that the President of the United States must be a natural-born citizen.  When asked to produce a birth certificate, ALF replied, “Oh yeah, and just exactly where does Obama claim to be from?  Hawaii?  Ha!  That isn’t even a state! . . . . oh really?  It is?”

Despite these setbacks at the onset of his campaign, ALF appears to be stepping out with the greatest of confidence.  Shortly before a press conference this morning, ALF said, “None of the other candidates is even close to having what it takes to win this election.  The 2012 campaign scene is not so much the usual circus, but more like a traveling freak show.  What? Oh, this thing is on? . . .  oops.”

More news to come as we continue our coverage of the Caribbean leg of Ambassador Shumway’s campaign tour.